Co-Parent Won't Share Your Child's Medical or School Information? Get It Yourself
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
You usually don't need the other parent to pass it on. Unless a court order says otherwise, federal law lets either parent see a child's school records, and a parent can usually get the child's medical records too. Ask the school and the doctor's office directly, in writing. When an office only talks by phone, log the call and confirm it with a short letter. Keep every request and refusal for your lawyer.
A common pattern: one parent keeps the doctor's name, the school portal and the appointment dates to themselves, then tells the court the other parent "doesn't know anything about the kids." You can stop depending on them for the information, and build a record of trying while you do.
What are the steps?
1.Read your order first
Look for anything about records, decision-making or information sharing. Most orders leave both parents able to get records; a few limit one parent. The offices will go by the order, so have a copy ready.
2.Ask the school directly
Email or write to the school office or registrar. Ask to be added as a parent contact, for a parent portal login, and for copies of report cards, attendance and anything else you want. Attach the order if they ask.
3.Ask the doctor’s office in writing
Send a short signed letter by mail, fax or the patient portal asking for your child’s records and for your own portal (proxy) access. Keep a copy and the mailing or fax receipt.
4.Confirm every phone call in writing
If an office only talks by phone, note the date, time, who you spoke to and what they said. Then mail or fax a two-line letter: “Confirming our call today, you said…”. Now the call has a paper trail.
5.Ask the other parent once, in writing
One calm message listing what you need (“Please send the name of Sam’s new doctor and the date of the next appointment”). It shows you asked. Don’t argue in the thread.
6.Keep a dated record and bring it to your lawyer
Each request, each answer, each refusal. A list like that is what lets your lawyer ask the court to order sharing, or to give you direct access.
Can the school refuse because I'm not the custodial parent?
Usually not. Under FERPA, the federal school-records law, a school that receives federal funding must give either parent the same access to the child's education records, unless it has been given a court order, state law or other legally binding document that specifically takes that right away (34 CFR 99.4). Custody alone doesn't. The school has up to 45 days to let you see records you ask for. FERPA covers records, not every courtesy: whether you get a portal login, emails from the teacher or a seat at conferences is often school policy, so ask. Private schools that take no federal money aren't covered by FERPA and follow their own rules and your state's.
What about the doctor and the insurance company?
Under HIPAA, a parent is generally treated as a minor child's "personal representative" and can see the child's medical records. There are exceptions set by state law (for example, some care a teenager can consent to on their own), and whether a parent without legal custody counts depends on your state and your order. Many states give both parents access to records unless a court order says otherwise. A written request for records must generally be answered within 30 days, with one 30-day extension allowed. Offices can ask you to make the request in writing and can ask for proof of who you are and a copy of the order.
Insurance is different: statements of what was billed (explanations of benefits) go to the policyholder. If that is the other parent, call the plan and ask what it needs to share information with you; often a copy of the custody order. If you pay part of the child's medical costs under your order, those statements matter for reimbursement too.
The office won't email. Is a phone call note enough?
Your own note is better than nothing, but a note plus a letter is much stronger. Write down the date, time, the name of the person, what you asked and what they said, the same day. Then send a short letter or fax to the office confirming it. Many offices won't discuss a patient by email, but if you are asking for copies of records you can ask to get them electronically; federal guidance says a provider should send them by regular email if you ask for that and accept the risk. A patient portal message also leaves a dated record on both sides.
Be polite with the front desk. They didn't cause this, and the person who answers your call may be the one who later explains to the court what you asked for.
What should the record look like?
One line per request: date, who you asked (school, doctor, insurer, the other parent), how (letter, portal, call, text), what you asked for, and the answer. Put the letters and receipts in one folder. Our co-parenting log guide has a free template, and gaslighting through medical and school records covers the "you don't know anything" claim itself. If decisions are being made without you, see unilateral decision-making.
How can Verity help?
The refusals usually sit in months of texts: "I don't have to tell you that," or no answer at all. Verity turns the exported conversation into a numbered list of every message in date order, so each line in your record can point to the message behind it. The file is read in your browser and is not uploaded. It is supporting documentation, not a legal finding.
This is general information, not legal advice. Records rights depend on your state, your order and the kind of school or care. Verity is not a law firm. Talk to a family law attorney about your situation.
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