"Where Are You? Send Me Your Location": Monitoring in Text Messages
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Asking where someone is can be ordinary: running late, collecting a child. It becomes monitoring when it is constant and demanding: "Where are you?" every hour, "send me your location", "who are you with?", "check in with me when you get there". Monitoring is one of the core behaviors of coercive control, and in texts it leaves a clear trail: the times show how often it happens. If someone may be tracking your phone, review your location sharing from a safe device, ideally with an advocate's help.
After a separation, the questions often keep coming, now framed as concern for the children.
What it looks like
A made-up Saturday, during your parenting time:
7:02 pm: "Where are you?"
7:15 pm: "Send me your location."
7:16 pm: "Who are you with? I need to know who's around her."
Sunday 9:30 am: "Where were you last night?"
- Questions about where you are and who you are with, not about the child's needs.
- Demands for live location or proof, often with a deadline.
- Anger or punishment when you don't answer fast enough (see reply demands).
Ordinary or monitoring?
"Where are you? We're at the school door" is logistics. Verity counts a bare "where are you?" only when it is the whole message, so that one isn't flagged. What matters is the pattern over weeks: how often, at what hours, and whether it is about the children or about you.
How Verity counts it
These phrases are part of Verity's coercive-control check: "I need to know where you are / who you're with", "send / share me your location", "who are you with / talking to / texting", "where were you", "check in with me", "tell me exactly where…", "you need my permission" and "I'm tracking you". Each flagged message is shown with its date and the messages around it. For the wider pattern, see proving coercive control with texts and isolation in text messages.
Staying safe
- Check which apps and people can see your location (Find My, Google Maps sharing, family-tracking apps), from a device the other person has never had access to.
- Changing sharing suddenly can tell the other person you've noticed. If you are afraid of how they will react, talk to an advocate first: the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
- In California, SB 50 makes clear that abuse can be carried out through internet-connected devices; see California SB 50 and connected devices.
- Keep every monitoring message; don't delete them to calm things down.
What a pattern check can't do
It reads words and times. It can't see tracking that happens without messages, and it can't tell a worried question from a controlling one in a single text. Our methodology page sets out what Verity measured and where it falls short.
Still sharing your location with them? See how to stop sharing your location with your ex.
Where does Verity fit?
The free preview flags monitoring language as part of coercive control, alongside threats, isolation and reply demands, and lets you read every message numbered in date order. Paid options are one-time: the numbered list ($19), or a report quoting the flagged messages with their dates ($99 Standard, $149 Detailed).
This is general information, not legal advice. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
See how often the questions come
Try the sample first, or drop in your export. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.