Your Child Doesn't Want to Go to the Other Parent's House: What to Do
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Listen, and write down what your child says in their own words, without asking leading questions. Unless there is a safety concern, the parenting order still applies, so talk to your lawyer before keeping a child home. Tell the other parent calmly, by text, what the child said, and suggest something concrete, while keeping the child out of the messages. If your child describes being hurt or unsafe, that is a safety matter: call 911 in an emergency, or the Childhelp hotline, 1-800-422-4453, for advice.
Children resist transitions for many reasons, from a new school friend to something serious. Your record should show you listened and kept to the plan.
Listen without interviewing
- Let them talk; ask open questions ("What's making it hard?"), not leading ones.
- Write down what they said that day, word for word, with the date and what was happening.
- Don't record them or ask them to repeat it to anyone; it puts them in the middle.
The order still applies
Unless there is a safety concern, follow the schedule and talk to your lawyer before you change it on your own. Keeping a child home without an order can become the issue (see refused court-ordered exchanges).
Telling the other parent
"Sam was upset about going this weekend and said he's missing his friend's party on Saturday. He'll be ready at 5 as usual. Could we find a way for him to go, or talk this week about how to make the handover easier?"
Facts and a suggestion, no blame. Don't ask the child to send that message or explain themselves to the other parent; see the children and the case.
What to keep
- Your notes of what the child said, and when.
- The messages with the other parent about it, in the whole conversation.
- Any missed or shortened visits, recorded the same day (see documenting missed visitation).
Getting help
A child's counselor, a mediator or a parenting coordinator can help find out what is behind it. How a child's wishes are heard in court depends on where you live and the child's age; your lawyer can tell you, and a guardian ad litem, if one is appointed, will look at the messages too (see what a guardian ad litem looks for).
Keeping the messages in order
Verity reads your export in your browser, without uploading it, and numbers every message in date order, so your calm messages and the replies sit next to your notes.
This is general information, not legal advice. If a child is in danger, call 911. Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
Keep the conversation next to your notes
Drop in your export and read every message numbered in date order. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.