Your Co-Parent Is Texting the Kids About the Case: What to Do
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Save the messages, don't question your child about them, and tell your lawyer. Courts generally expect parents to keep children out of the case, and many parenting orders say so in writing. Messages that pressure a child to pick a side, pass on adult details or carry messages between parents are the kind of thing a judge, evaluator or guardian ad litem will want to see. How you got the messages matters too: going through a child's phone can raise privacy and trust questions, so ask your lawyer before you go looking.
Children shouldn't be the messengers or the jury. When they are put in that place by text, the messages are usually plain about it.
What it looks like
- "Tell the judge you want to live with me."
- "Your mom is trying to take you away from me."
- "Tell your dad he still owes me for the dentist."
- Screenshots of court papers, or details of the case, sent to the child.
Using a child to carry conflict is a pattern of its own; see DARVO through the child and triangulation in co-parenting texts.
What to save, and how
- If you see the messages as part of your normal rules for your child's phone, screenshot them with the sender and the date in view.
- Write down when you saw them and what your child said, in your child's words, without prompting.
- Don't take or search your child's phone for more without talking to your lawyer first.
- Keep your own messages to your child free of the case. Courts read those too.
What not to do
- Don't interrogate your child or ask them to forward messages to you.
- Don't answer the co-parent through your child.
- Don't confront the co-parent with your child in the room.
Who to tell
- Your lawyer, who can raise it with the other side or the court.
- A guardian ad litem or custody evaluator, if one is appointed; see what a guardian ad litem looks for in texts.
- The police, if a message threatens your child or you.
For how to talk with your child about court in an age-appropriate way, see talking to kids about court.
Your own conversation with the co-parent
If the co-parent also writes to you about the children, that conversation is the record you control. Verity reads your export in your browser, without uploading it, numbers every message in date order and flags patterns such as triangulation and threats, so you and your lawyer can point to exact messages.
This is general information, not legal advice. If a child is in danger, call 911. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.
Put your own thread in order
Drop in your export and read every message numbered in date order. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.