Abusive Text Message Examples: 32 Texts, Sorted by Pattern

1.Threats and intimidation

A consequence is attached to something you are about to do, or have done. It does not have to mention violence to be a threat.

• “If you walk out that door tonight, don't expect to see the kids this weekend.”
• “Keep talking to her and see what happens.”
• “I know where you parked. Just saying.”
• “You really want to find out what I'm capable of?”

Not the same thing: An angry "I'm done talking tonight" has no consequence attached. A threat tells you what will happen to you.

2.Control and monitoring

Demands to account for where you are, who you are with, and why you did not answer — presented as concern or as a rule.

• “Send me a picture of where you are. Right now.”
• “Why did it take you 40 minutes to get home? It's a 15 minute drive.”
• “You don't need to go. I already told them you can't make it.”
• “Who is that in the background? Turn your location back on.”

Not the same thing: A partner asking "what time will you be home?" is logistics. Control is the demand for proof, and the penalty for not giving it.

More on this pattern: How to prove coercive control through text messages.

3.Gaslighting

Denying something that happened, or that is still in the thread, until you doubt your own memory.

• “I never said that. You're making things up again.”
• “That didn't happen. You always remember things wrong.”
• “You're being crazy. Nobody else would think that was a big deal.”
• “I was obviously joking. You know you can't take a joke.”

Not the same thing: Two people honestly remembering a plan differently is common. Gaslighting is the repeated denial of things that are written down a few lines up.

More on this pattern: 12 signs of gaslighting in text messages.

4.Blame reversal (DARVO)

You raise a problem and, a few messages later, you are the one apologizing. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

• “I can't believe you'd accuse me of that after everything I do for you.”
• “You're the one who's abusive. Look at how you're talking to me.”
• “I only yelled because you pushed me to it.”
• “So now I'm the bad guy? You're unbelievable.”

Not the same thing: Someone defending themselves against an untrue accusation explains what happened. DARVO skips the explanation and attacks the person who asked.

More on this pattern: How to recognize DARVO in text messages.

5.Insults and humiliation

Attacks on who you are rather than on what you did, often followed by "just being honest."

• “You're pathetic. No wonder your family doesn't call.”
• “Nobody else would put up with you.”
• “You're a terrible mother and everyone knows it.”
• “I showed my friends your message. We all laughed.”

Not the same thing: "I'm upset you forgot the pickup" is criticism of an action. "You're useless" is contempt for the person.

More on this pattern: Signs of emotional abuse in text messages.

6.Isolation

Pressure to drop friends, family, or anyone who might take your side.

• “Your sister is poisoning you against me. Stop talking to her.”
• “If you loved me you wouldn't need to go out with them.”
• “I don't want you telling your mom our business. Ever.”
• “It's me or them. Pick.”

Not the same thing: Disliking one of your friends is an opinion. Isolation is the rule that you may not see them.

7.Financial control

Money used as a leash: access cut off, spending audited, work discouraged.

• “I moved the money. You'll get an allowance when you start behaving.”
• “Send me the receipt for every single thing you bought today.”
• “You're not taking that job. I decide what this family needs.”
• “No child support this month. Maybe next time you'll answer your phone.”

Not the same thing: A couple agreeing on a budget is planning. Financial control is one person deciding alone and enforcing it.

More on this pattern: Signs of financial abuse in text messages.

8.Flooding and reply demands

Here the wording matters less than the volume: message after message with no reply in between, each demanding an answer.

• “Answer me.”
• “Hello??? I can see you read it.”
• “ANSWER YOUR PHONE”
• “Fine. Ignore me. You'll regret it. (the ninth message in four minutes)”

Not the same thing: Three quick texts about a late school bus is urgency. A dozen unanswered messages in minutes, most days, is pressure.