BIFF Response Examples for Co-Parents
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It is the High Conflict Institute's method, created by Bill Eddy, for answering hostile or blaming messages without making things worse: keep it short, give only useful information, add a brief friendly touch, and close the topic. In co-parenting that usually means answering the one practical question in the message and ignoring the rest. A calm reply also reads well if the messages are ever shown to a judge.
The goal isn't to win the exchange. It is to end it, with the children's logistics settled.
The four parts
- Brief: a long reply gives the other person more to react to.
- Informative: straight, useful information, not opinions, defences or feelings.
- Friendly: a short greeting or closing lowers the temperature.
- Firm: end the conversation or set a clear limit, without leaving the door open to more conflict.
Summarized from the High Conflict Institute's own description of its BIFF® method; its book and free guide go further.
Examples (made up)
They wrote: “You’re always late and the kids are sick of it. Typical. Don’t bother coming Friday if you can’t be on time.”
A BIFF reply: “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be there Friday at 5 as the order says. If anything changes on my side, I’ll text by noon.”
They wrote: “After everything you did, you want me to pay half of camp? Unbelievable.”
A BIFF reply: “I understand this is frustrating. The camp is $300 and starts June 10; the receipt is attached. Please let me know by Friday if you’ll cover half.”
They wrote: “Your mother is a terrible influence. I don’t want her near my kids.”
A BIFF reply: “Noted. The kids will be with me this weekend as scheduled. Have a good week.”
When not to reply at all
Not every message needs an answer; see should I respond to my ex's texts. A threat is not something to answer politely: keep it and get help (see what to do about threatening texts).
Check a draft before you send it
Verity's free text check suggests a calm reply for each flagged message, in a calm, firm or friendly tone, and its "My draft" tab checks your own reply for wording that could read badly. A threat gets safety advice instead of a reply. Nothing you paste is uploaded.
Related approaches: the gray rock method and healthy co-parenting text examples.
Source
Read on November 3, 2026.
This is general information, not legal advice. Verity is not affiliated with the High Conflict Institute. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Check a message, or your reply
Paste a few messages and see which match, with a calm way to answer. Nothing is uploaded.