Should I Respond to My Ex's Texts? How to Reply Without Hurting Your Case
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Answer what is about the children, such as schedules, school, health and money for their care, briefly and in writing. You don't have to answer insults, accusations or baiting; one calm line, or no reply, is often the better record. Wait before replying when you are angry, and write as if a judge will read it, because one may. If a message threatens you or the children, don't argue: save it and get help.
Every reply becomes part of the same record as their messages. The goal isn't to win the thread; it is to look, months from now, like the calm parent in it.
Reply to these
- Pickups, drop-offs and schedule changes.
- School, medical appointments and activities.
- Costs the order says you share.
- Anything the children need, even when it comes wrapped in an insult; answer only the part about them.
You don't owe a reply to these
- Insults, name-calling and attacks on your parenting.
- Arguments about the past or the relationship.
- The same question you answered already; point to your earlier answer once.
- Demands for an instant answer, or a flood of messages in a row.
If silence feels wrong, one line closes it: "I'll stick to the schedule in the order."
The BIFF way to answer
BIFF, a method from Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute, stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. A made-up example:
They write: "You're always late and you never think about anyone but yourself. Are you even taking her to the dentist Thursday or do I have to do everything?"
Instead of defending yourself: "Yes, I'll take her to the dentist Thursday at 3:30 and send you the notes after. Thanks."
The reply answers the only question about the child, adds one useful fact, stays polite and ends the topic. The insult gets no answer, which is an answer of its own.
When to reply
- Answer questions about the children the same day where you can, so nobody can say you ignored them. See exchange times that keep changing.
- Don't reply in the middle of an argument or late at night; a reply in the morning reads better.
- Read it once as a stranger would before you press send.
Threats are different
Don't argue with a threat or try to talk someone down by text. Save the message as it came, tell someone you trust, and contact the police or your lawyer. See what to do about threatening text messages.
Check a reply before you send it
The free text check reads one message in your browser. Paste theirs and it suggests a calm, firm or friendly way to answer; switch to "My draft" and it reads your reply the way the other side would. Nothing is sent anywhere.
Getting dozens at a time? what message flooding looks like.
Where does Verity fit?
For the whole conversation, Verity numbers every message in date order, free to read on screen, flags patterns such as threats, demands for replies and floods of messages, and shows how long each side takes to reply. Paid options are one-time: the numbered list ($19), or a report quoting the flagged messages ($99 Standard, $149 Detailed). And if your own messages worry you, see can my ex use my texts against me.
This is general information, not legal advice. If there is a protective order or a court order about contact, follow it, and ask your lawyer before replying at all. If you or your children are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
Answer the hard ones calmly
Paste a message into the free check, or try the sample chat. Both run in your browser.