Can My Ex Use My Text Messages Against Me in Custody?
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Yes. Texts you sent can be offered as evidence by the other side, just as theirs can, and a judge reads both. Insults, threats, mentions of drinking or drugs, refusing exchanges and running down the other parent tend to hurt; short replies about the children tend to help. Don't delete anything: deleting can look worse than the text. Read your own side first, the way the other side will.
Your ex has the whole conversation on their phone. The question is not whether your messages can come up, but how they will read when they do.
What tends to hurt
- Insults, name-calling and swearing, even in reply to worse.
- Anything that reads as a threat, including "you'll regret this" or "you won't see them again".
- Mentions of drinking, drugs or driving after either.
- Refusing or blocking exchanges, calls or visits that the order allows.
- Running down the other parent, especially where the children could see it.
- Floods of messages, or demands for an instant answer.
What tends to help
- Short, factual replies about schedules, school, health and the children's needs.
- Offers that put the children first, even when they are refused.
- Following the order, and saying so plainly: "Per the plan, pickup is at 6."
- Not answering insults, or one calm line that closes the topic.
For how to answer the hard messages, see should I respond to my ex's texts.
Don't delete the bad ones
The other side has a copy, so deleting yours hides nothing and can look like hiding evidence. Courts can treat destroying evidence harshly. See deleting texts during a custody case. If an old message looks bad, tell your lawyer and explain the context there, not by text. A message is read more fairly next to the messages around it, which is one reason to keep the whole conversation.
Check your side before the other side does
- The whole conversation: Verity's free preview has a "Your side" panel that runs your own messages through the same checks and shows the two sides counted the same way. It is on your screen only and never goes into a report.
- A reply you haven't sent yet: the free text check has a "My draft" tab that reads one message before you send it.
What a pattern check can't do
It reads words and timing. It can flag a joke as an insult and miss cruelty that is politely worded, and it can't say what anyone meant or how a judge will weigh it. Use it to see your messages as a stranger would, then talk to your lawyer about anything that worries you. Our methodology page sets out what Verity measured and where it falls short.
Where does Verity fit?
The free preview shows the patterns in their messages and, in "Your side", in yours, and lets you read every message numbered in date order. Paid options are one-time: the numbered list ($19), or a report quoting the flagged messages with their dates ($99 Standard, $149 Detailed). Reports are about the other person's messages; your side stays on your screen.
This is general information, not legal advice. How a court weighs messages depends on your state, the judge and the whole case; your lawyer is the one to ask about your messages. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
Read both sides before the hearing
Try the sample first, or drop in your export. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.