Custody Hearing This Week? What to Do With Your Texts Tonight
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Tonight, make a copy of the whole conversation that doesn't depend on your phone: export it from the app, or take screenshots with the dates showing if the app has no export. Turn off anything that deletes old messages. Then number the messages in date order, pick the few that matter by their numbers, and ask your lawyer (or the court clerk, if you don't have one) how and by when they want them. Until the hearing, send nothing you wouldn't want a judge to read.
A few days is enough if you do things in the right order: first protect what could disappear, then put it in order, then choose what to show. Here is that order, day by day.
Not sure where you stand? 8 mistakes that weaken texts in court: check yours in 2 minutes → Free, with the fix for each one. No upload.
Tonight: make a copy that doesn't depend on your phone
A phone can be lost, reset or broken the week of a hearing, and a copy that lives only on it goes with it. Export the conversation from the app it is in: each app has its own steps, and the export guide shows them for your app. Some exports are made right away; others, such as a Facebook or Instagram download, are prepared over hours or longer, so request those first.
An iPhone has no button that exports a whole conversation. Without a computer, take overlapping screenshots with the dates and times showing (step by step). Keep the export file or the screenshots exactly as they came, and save a copy on a computer, a USB drive or a cloud account only you can get into.
Tonight: stop anything that deletes messages
Several phones and apps remove old messages on their own unless a setting is changed: an iPhone set to keep messages for 30 days or a year, disappearing messages in WhatsApp or Signal, and Snapchat chats, which are deleted after they are viewed unless they are saved. How long each app keeps messages shows where the setting is. Change it tonight; an export made next week won't include what is already gone.
Tomorrow: the whole conversation, with dates and numbers
Check that your copy has every message, your own replies included, not only the worst ones. The first question about a harsh message is what came before and after it, and a copy with gaps is easy to attack (why screenshots alone are weak). Every message should show its date and time (what a printout should show).
Then number every message in date order, so you and your lawyer can point to “message 1,482” instead of “the one from March”. Verity does this in your browser without uploading anything: every message numbered on screen is free, and a printable numbered PDF is $19.
The day after: pick the messages that matter, by number
A judge has little time. Make a short list: the message number, its date, and one line on why it matters, such as a missed exchange, a threat or a change of plans at the last minute (how to write one). Keep the whole conversation with it, so anyone can read the messages around each one.
Write down when and how you saved the conversation: the app, the date, and whether it was an export or screenshots. Courts usually need someone who knows the conversation to say the printout is accurate, and a note made now helps (how texts are authenticated).
Ask how they want it, and by when
Ask your lawyer which format they want (a PDF, printed pages or a USB drive) and the last day they can use it. Some courts expect exhibits to be shared with the other side before the hearing, so the deadline may be sooner than the hearing itself.
Without a lawyer, call the court clerk or your court's self-help center and ask how exhibits are handed in and how many copies to bring. It is common to bring one for the judge, one for the other side and one for yourself, but ask, because courts differ.
Until the hearing, assume the judge will read it
Anything sent this week can end up in front of the judge, from either side. Keep replies short, polite and about the children and the schedule. To see how a reply reads before you send it, paste it into the free text check and pick “My draft, before I send it”.
Delete nothing, your own messages included, even ones you regret. A gap in a conversation is easy to notice, and the other person may still have a copy.
Lock the other person out
If the other parent knows your passcode or can still sign in to your iCloud or Google account, they can read or delete messages before the hearing. Change your passwords and sign out devices you no longer use (old devices and shared iCloud after a separation).
The checklist
Tonight
- Export the whole conversation, or start the download if your app sends one later.
- Turn off disappearing messages and any setting that deletes old messages.
- Save a copy somewhere other than your phone.
Tomorrow
- Check the copy has every message, your replies included, each with its date and time.
- Number every message in date order.
The day after
- List the messages that matter by number, with a line on why each one matters.
- Write down when and how you saved the conversation.
- Ask your lawyer, or the clerk, how and by when they want it.
Until the hearing
- Keep every reply short and about the children.
- Delete nothing, your own messages included.
This is general information, not legal advice, and Verity is not a law firm. Rules on evidence and deadlines differ by state and by judge; ask your lawyer or your court's self-help center. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
Number every message before the hearing
See a sample first, or drop in your export to see every message numbered, free. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.