Deflection in Text Messages: "What About When You…?"
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Deflection answers a concern by changing the subject, usually to something you did: "What about when you…", "You're no saint", "Remember when you…". The original question never gets answered. Once, it is a bad argument; again and again, it means no problem can be raised and fixed. In a written thread it is easy to see: the question, the counter-accusation, and no answer.
Old grievances can be real. The tell is when they appear exactly at the moment a current one is raised, every time.
What it looks like
A made-up exchange:
You: "You were 40 minutes late for pickup again today."
Them: "What about when you forgot her inhaler last spring?"
Them: "You're no saint. Remember when you left her jacket at school?"
Today's pickup disappears from the conversation. Deflection sits close to two other patterns: blame-shifting, where the fault is pinned on you, and DARVO, where denial and attack end with the other person as the victim.
How Verity checks for it
Verity flags wording such as "what about when you / the time you…", "remember when you…", "you're no saint", "you're one to talk", "last time you lied / forgot / left…", "let's talk about what you did instead" and "you're always bringing up…". It skips quoted phrases and shows each flagged message with the messages around it, so you can see what question it followed.
How to stay on topic
- One line, back to the point: "We can talk about that separately. Today's pickup was at 6:40; can we keep to 6?"
- Don't defend the old event in the same thread. It turns one issue into two.
- Keep a dated log of the current issues, so the pattern of unanswered ones is plain (see how to keep a co-parenting log).
What a pattern check can't do
It reads words. It can't judge whether the older grievance matters, and it misses deflection phrased in ways its lists don't contain. Our methodology page sets out what Verity measured and where it falls short.
Where does Verity fit?
The free preview flags deflection alongside blame-shifting, DARVO and gaslighting, and lets you read every message numbered in date order. Paid options are one-time: the numbered list ($19), or a report quoting the flagged messages with their dates ($99 Standard, $149 Detailed).
This is general information, not legal advice or a diagnosis of anyone. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
See which questions got dodged
Try the sample first, or drop in your export. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.