When an Ex Texts About Hurting Themselves: What to Do
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Treat every message about self-harm as real. If someone may be in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) helps both people in crisis and people worried about someone, so you can contact it yourself for advice on what to do. You can make sure they get help without changing your decisions about the children or the case because of the message. Save the messages as they are, and tell your lawyer.
If someone is in danger right now, call 911. To talk to someone now, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
First, safety
- If the message says they are about to act, or you can't reach them, call 911 and tell them where the person may be.
- If the children are with them and you fear for anyone's safety, call 911.
- If you can, ask someone close to them, a relative or a friend, to check on them now.
How to answer
Keep it short, caring and practical. For example:
"I'm worried about you. Please call or text 988 now, or 911 if you're in danger. I've asked your sister to check on you."
You don't have to decide whether the message is a real crisis or pressure; that isn't yours to judge, and the safe response is the same either way.
Your decisions stay yours
Helping someone get support doesn't mean agreeing to what the message asks, such as dropping a case, changing the schedule or getting back together. Talk to your lawyer before changing anything about the children or the case. If messages like this keep arriving around decisions or court dates, tell your lawyer that too.
Save the messages
- Keep every message as it is, with its date and time. Don't delete them, even to make things calmer.
- Write down what you did: who you called, when, and what happened.
- The whole conversation can be exported as a file (see how to export your texts).
What a pattern check counts, and what it can't
Verity's check counts "I'll hurt myself if you leave" under emotional manipulation, alongside phrases like "after everything I've done for you". A flag means the wording matches; it never means the risk isn't real, and no check can assess anyone's safety. For the wider pattern, see guilt-tripping texts.
Support for you
Messages like these are frightening and exhausting. You can call or text 988 for yourself too. If they are part of abuse or control, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
This is general information, not medical or legal advice. In an emergency, call 911. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 988 (call or text).