Hoovering in Text Messages: When an Ex Tries to Pull You Back
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Hoovering is the swing from cruelty back to warmth: a run of hostile messages, then, a day or two later, "I'm sorry", "I miss you" or "I'll change", until the cycle starts again. One apology is just an apology. The pattern is the repeat, and it only shows when the messages are read in order with their dates, which is why the whole thread matters more than the kind message alone.
The name comes from the vacuum cleaner: the warm message pulls you back toward the person who hurt you, often just as you start to pull away.
What it looks like
A made-up example, two days apart:
Tuesday, 10:12 pm: "You're a joke. No wonder nobody wants you around."
Tuesday, 10:19 pm: "Don't bother showing up Friday."
Thursday, 8:03 am: "I'm sorry. I miss you. I'll change, I promise."
- The warm message rarely mentions what was said; it moves past it.
- It often arrives when you have gone quiet, set a boundary, or started legal steps.
- The cycle repeats: weeks later, the same cruelty, the same apology.
Why the dates matter
Read alone, Thursday's message looks kind. Read after Tuesday's, it is part of a pattern. That is why courts and lawyers ask for the whole conversation rather than the worst or the best messages, and why a record with a date on every message carries weight. See love bombing vs harassment for the closely related pattern at the start of a relationship.
How Verity counts it
Verity counts hoovering when two or more flagged messages arrive within a day and are followed, within three days, by an apology or a declaration of love, such as "I'm sorry", "forgive me" or "I miss you". It shows each one in the thread, so the count can be checked message by message. It needs the export's dates, so a few pasted lines can show the wording but not the cycle.
How to answer it
- You don't have to accept or reject the apology. If there are children, answer only what is about them.
- Don't argue about the earlier messages; they are already in the record.
- Keep both, the cruel ones and the kind one. Deleting either breaks the record (see deleting texts during a case).
- For wording, see should I respond to my ex's texts.
What a pattern check can't do
It reads words and timing. A real apology and a hoovering one can use the same words, and only the pattern around them tells them apart; a check can't say what anyone meant. Our methodology page sets out what Verity measured and where it falls short. For the wider picture, see proving coercive control with texts.
The promises that come with the apology: future faking in text messages.
Where does Verity fit?
The free preview flags hoovering alongside threats, gaslighting, blame-shifting and floods of messages, and lets you read every message numbered in date order. Paid options are one-time: the numbered list ($19), or a report quoting the flagged messages with their dates ($99 Standard, $149 Detailed).
This is general information, not legal advice or a diagnosis of anyone. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
See the cycle in your own thread
Try the sample first, or drop in your export. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.