Parallel Parenting: How Communication Works
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Parallel parenting is an approach for high-conflict separations: each parent runs their own household during their own time, and contact between the parents is kept to the minimum the children need. Communication usually goes through one written channel, often a co-parenting app, is limited to the children's logistics, and follows rules agreed or ordered in advance: what is shared, by when, and what doesn't need discussing at all. Less contact means fewer chances for conflict, and a clean record.
Co-parenting assumes the parents can work together. Parallel parenting is for when, for now, they can't.
What communication looks like
- One channel, in writing; often an app both parents use (see court-approved co-parenting apps).
- Only what the children need: schedule, school, health, activities, handovers.
- Each parent decides day-to-day matters in their own home without consulting the other.
- Big decisions follow whatever the order says about decision-making (see unilateral decision-making).
- Set times: for example, updates about the children shared once, at handover, rather than by text all week.
A typical message
"Handover update: Maya had a fever Tuesday, fine since Wednesday; antibiotics end Saturday (in her bag). Science project due Monday. Pickup Friday 5 pm at school as usual."
No questions about the other household, no opinions, nothing to argue with. For replying to hostile messages, see BIFF response examples.
Getting there
Parents can agree to it, a mediator can help set it up, and courts sometimes order it. Writing the rules down first helps; see texting rules co-parents can agree on. Ask your lawyer whether it fits your case.
Keeping the record
With less contact, each message carries more weight. Verity reads your export in your browser, without uploading it, numbers every message in date order and flags patterns such as message flooding and contact after a request to stop, so you can see whether the agreed limits are being kept.
This is general information, not legal advice. Ask your lawyer what arrangement suits your case. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
See whether the limits hold
Drop in your export and read every message numbered in date order. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.