Your Ex Keeps Showing Up at Your Home Unannounced: What to Do
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
If you feel unsafe, don't open the door and call 911. Otherwise, send one short written message setting the rule ("Please don't come to the house without arranging it in advance by text. Exchanges happen at the agreed place."), keep every "I'm outside" text, and write down each visit the same day: date, time, what happened, who saw it. Check what your order says about exchanges and contact, and take a pattern to your lawyer.
One surprise visit can be a misunderstanding. Repeated ones, after you've asked, are a pattern.
In the moment
- You don't have to open the door or go outside. If you are afraid, call 911.
- Don't argue through the door or by text while they are there.
- If the children are home, keep them away from the door and calm.
One clear message, afterwards
"Please don't come to the house without arranging it by text first. Exchanges are at the school on Fridays at 5, as agreed."
Send it once. If visits continue after that, the message and the dates after it show the request was ignored (see ignored boundaries).
Keeping the record
- Keep every text sent before, during and after a visit, in the whole conversation.
- Log each visit the same day: date, time, how long, what was said, who saw it.
- Doorbell or security camera footage, if you have it, saved with its date.
- A repeated pattern may be stalking; see documenting stalking with texts.
Verity reads your export in your browser, without uploading it, numbers every message in date order and flags contact after a clear request to stop, so the texts line up with your log.
When to involve the court
Your lawyer can tell you what your order says about exchanges and contact, and whether to ask for clearer terms or a protective order; see text evidence for a protective order.
This is general information, not legal advice. If you are in danger, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Line the texts up with your log
Drop in your export and read every message numbered in date order. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.