Your Co-Parent Is Bad-Mouthing You to the Kids: What to Keep
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Don't question the children or ask them to repeat things. When they say something on their own, write it down that day, in their words, with the date. Keep any messages the other parent sent the children, and any texts where the other parent says what they told them. If you write to the other parent about it, once is enough, and calmly. Check whether your parenting plan says anything about speaking badly of the other parent, and take a pattern to your lawyer; the children's counselor, if they have one, can help too.
Hearing your child repeat an adult's words about you hurts. The children need you calm more than they need you right.
What it can look like
- A child repeating adult phrases: "Dad says you don't pay for anything."
- Messages to the children about you or the case; see a co-parent texting the kids about the case.
- Texts to you that admit it: "I told them the truth about you."
- The same story told to relatives and friends; see texts to your family and friends.
Keeping a fair record
- Write down what the child said, word for word, when and where, and what led up to it.
- Don't interview them, record them, or ask them to write anything down; it puts them in the middle.
- Keep the messages in the whole conversation, with their dates, not as one screenshot.
- Note how the children seem before and after time with the other parent, briefly and without opinions.
Answering it
To the children: reassure, don't rebut ("Grown-ups sometimes disagree. You don't have to take sides."). To the other parent, if at all: one short message, for example "The children have repeated some things about me. Please keep adult matters between us." Don't answer in kind; your messages are evidence too. See should I respond to my ex's texts.
Your plan and your lawyer
Some parenting plans include a clause about not speaking badly of the other parent in front of the children. If yours does, quote it once, calmly. A pattern, with dates, is for your lawyer; triangulation, pulling the children or others into the conflict, is a pattern of its own (see triangulation in texts).
Putting the messages in order
Verity reads your export in your browser, without uploading it, numbers every message in date order and flags patterns such as triangulation and blame-shifting, each with its date, so the messages sit next to your notes.
This is general information, not legal advice. If a child says they are being harmed, that is a safety matter: in an emergency call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
Keep the messages next to your notes
Drop in your export and read every message numbered in date order. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.