What to Text Your Ex After a Custody Hearing
Reviewed by Jacob Reed, founder of Verity ·
Short answer
Very little, and only logistics. Confirm the next exchange under the new order ("Per the order, I'll pick the kids up Friday at 5"), and leave everything else unsaid. Don't celebrate, gloat, argue about the ruling or quote what the judge said. Follow the order from the first day. If you disagree with the outcome, that conversation is with your lawyer, not your ex. The messages you send this week may be read at the next hearing.
Emotions run highest right after a ruling. That is exactly when the record is easiest to damage.
The first messages
Confirming the next exchange
"Per the new order, I'll pick up the kids Friday at 5 at the school. Let me know if anything changes on your side."
If they message about the ruling
"I'm not going to discuss the hearing by text. I'll follow the order. Here's the plan for this week: …"
What not to send
- Celebration, "I told you so", or anything about winning or losing.
- Arguments about what the judge got wrong, or what was said in court.
- Messages to the children about the hearing (see the children and the case).
- Late-night messages written while upset. Wait until morning.
From day one
- Keep a copy of the signed order, and follow it exactly, even where you disagree.
- If something in the order is unclear, ask your lawyer, not your ex.
- Agree changes in writing and precisely; see a schedule change agreed by text.
- Keep a log of how the new schedule goes; see how to keep a co-parenting log.
Reading your own side
Before you send something hard, the free check's "My draft" tab flags wording that could read badly. Verity reads your export in your browser, without uploading it, numbers every message in date order and shows your own side next to theirs, so you can see the record the way the next judge will.
This is general information, not legal advice. Ask your lawyer about the order and your options. If you are in danger, call 911; the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
See the record as the next judge will
Drop in your export and read every message numbered in date order. It is read in your browser and is not uploaded.